Where is everybody? Oh yeah, France.

For those of us left behind while most of the entertainment world heads off to Cannes, these few weeks in May are painfully slow. Not only is there no work to be had, but you get e-mails from friends telling you all about how much fun they're having drinking French wine, hobnobbing with stars, and streaking at the premiere of Indiana Jones (yup, that's a friend of mine). But, I'm proud to report that, this year, I have something at stake in Cannes. While I am sitting on my couch in Los Angeles, my script, Lancaster, is actually being pitched there. All right! But wait, why am I still on my couch? Here's the scoop. I have an actress attached to the script. She's talented, beautiful, perfect for the role, and very much committed to the project. All of which I am eternally grateful for. This actress decided to have one of her assistants join her in Cannes and bring lots of copies of my script. I have visions of them taking big meetings and talking all about the amazing project they are sitting on. They're going to come back and we're going to do a deal! On the other hand, they don't have Yellow Pages in France and maybe she needs to change a light bulb. Four or five of my scripts would probably give her just enough lift... Not to get off topic here but is everyone out there aware of how out of control the assistant phenomenon is here in Los Angeles? Don't get me wrong, someone like the actress I have attached certainly needs help to stay on top of her demanding schedule. But, trust me, not everyone who has an assistant really needs one. It's become a status thing. People here like to say, "I'll have my assistant call you and set something up" just before they get into their Hyundai. I think that there should be some ground rules for getting an assistant if you work in the entertainment field. Here are my criteria: 1) You should have an office and the hallway in your 1 bedroom apartment doesn't count. 2) The job description for the assistant should have more than "do my laundry" and "go find me a pint of Ben & Jerry's." Seriously, that's just lazy. 3) No assistants until you can pay for business lunches. This has happened to me! A friend gets off the phone with his assistant and then says, "Can you get this? I'm a little strapped." Then fire your assistant and pay for lunch! 4) No hiring an assistant for the sole purpose of doubling the number of friends you have. 5) No hiring of your boyfriend/girlfriend. That's cruel. 6) You must be willing to send your assistant to Cannes with my script. OK, that last one is a bit selfish. But, there's another week of Cannes left so let's all keep our fingers crossed for big news on Lancaster. Until then, I'll be the on the couch drinking wine from Trader Joe's and watching my naked friend get carted off by French police while Harrison Ford shakes his head. Someday, I'll get to streak in France... maybe I'll have my assistant do it for me.